The Dream Of A Thousand Suns

I don't really know where I want to go with this. I am now older than I've ever been before and I recently received a blanket with my face on it. The older I get the more confused and unsure I become and the blanket only adds onto the confusion. My original blog, before I restarted to make this one, was just a smattering of random things I did...which were mainly Microsoft related. "Back in the day" everyone had a blog, or some semblance of updating random people about their day to day activities. Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat and others have helped continue that trend. But no, clearly I have to be different so I restarted my blog. And promised to post every week. And almost posted every week. And then stopped posting every week. And then when I did post I posted about how I don't post every week. Posted that I didn't have anything to write about. Posted about random crap basically.

But for some reason I post stuff. Writing about myself is weird. I almost kind of hate doing it. I say almost because if I did hate it I wouldn't do it. But lately it has been more a struggle to do so. I asked a couple of my friends to review my resume a while back and the biggest thing they said was that I don't sell myself enough. I thought that was a strange statement. I thought my resume was supposed to list what I know and what I've done. I feel like I only know a couple of programming languages...more like one, C#. And I know I have a ton more to learn there. I have worked with other languages, Python, Java, C, Ruby. But my knowledge in those doesn't compare to my C# knowledge. So I left most of them off. I have a ton of projects on my Github but I don't really talk about them. I still feel weird about Untitled Mixtapes considering the part that I worked on never made it into the final product because I completely failed at it. Maybe after this co-op I'll finally list Python on my resume.

I barely believe in myself. Barely. That's probably why I still work on my projects and give my all at work and still post. Because for some silly reason I still believe in myself, barely. And it's still surprising that others believe in me. Which I still find hard to understand. Yes, I'm still surprised that some people read and like my blog. It's hard to believe they're not joking. Next question, why do I still blog then? I don't really know, I like to tell myself that maybe people want to know how others feel in some situations. About a week after my scoliosis surgery I scoured the internet looking for people who were in my situation. Is it normal that I have no appetite? How long will my back hurt? I read forum posts from older people who had surgery later in life, I found some websites from younger people who went through surgery. Overall for most surgery was a good thing. A few had some complications. But they're were never any specifics. I guess people don't talk about it. Or they forget. I mainly forgot about it after I started getting better.

Schrödinger's cat, (I know nothing about quantum mechanics, may Einstein help me) it doesn't make much sense for a cat to be both alive and dead at the same time. Something something parallel universes (read the Wikipedia article?). There could be a bunch of parallel universes out there, each with different variations of our own universe to which we call home. Sometimes I wonder how else my life could have turned out. No need to wonder anymore since other versions of me might be living that out right now! I'm guessing at least one is a way better programmer. But at the same time there's almost no point in dreaming or even caring about what if. Currently it's impossible to change the past. Also if we do end up figuring out time travel you'll probably end up traveling to a parallel universe where you were intended to change the past.

Basically I go through life, think I know things, learn some more stuff, realize I don't know as much as I thought I knew, freak out for a hot second, calm down and try to learn some more. Repeat. This blog is basically a catalog of that. What I thought I knew, what I found out, and what I learned. The more stuff I learn about computer science the more I realize I'll never be able to match John Carmack. I mean I haven't even written my own programming language yet and the first one I write will be shitty anyway. Maybe SandLang 2.0 will really capture the hearts and minds of hipster programmers out there.

So yeah I still don't really know where I'm going with this, this post (it's going to end soon), this blog (¯\_(ツ)_/¯), what I want to eat for dinner (pizza is always a reasonable answer), my life (I'm probably going to program things for 2-4 years until I burn out, I will then move to a farm and work with my hands until I realize I never really liked to care for chickens), the usual.

Fun fact: You can now subscribe to my blog. Click on the menu button, click the subscribe button at the bottom of the page, enter your email, and pray that I won't use your email for evil. Like Facebook, Google, Microsoft, Apple, Amazon, (insert companies here), etc.

Not so fun fact: Ghost doesn't yet automatically send out emails to subscribers on new posts.