What causes us to doubt ourselves? Are we born with a sense that we cannot achieve or is it learned through experience? We learn to do “hard” things early on in life like walking or speaking a language. We make tons and tons of mistakes in order to get to a point where we think we don’t suck at it. With everything we do we have to practice in order to become proficient at it. Along the way we can make mistakes. Mistakes are probably more likely to happen than getting something right on the first try. So why do we fear mistakes so much? They are bound to happen. Yes, we should try with all our might to succeed but more often than not we will fall short.
I have been applying to co-op positions for the last couple weeks and there have been a couple companies that I don’t even bother applying to because I don’t think I’m good enough to work there with my reasoning being “I’ve done X things, and other people I know have done X Y Z things, there is no chance they will consider me over anybody else”. I don’t know if I’m being realistic with myself or if I’m limiting myself over the fear of failure. Even though nothing really horrible happens if I do try for some reason I just don’t bother because I think I suck so much.
Recently I had an interview with a company that I thought didn’t go that well. I know I could have done better in the interview. By the end of the interview I basically told myself there was no chance they would consider me for the position. Today I wanted to email them asking a couple questions about the company but I was extremely reluctant to send an email due to the fact that I thought there was probably no point in trying since I thought I could have done way better in the interview. With much trepidation I sent the email and a little while later I got a response back that basically invalidated my thoughts that I had completely blew my chances with this company. I was surprised and thought that maybe I actually don’t suck that much.
Something that is still super surprising and weird to me is the fact that people read my blog. My random musings on stuff that happens in my life. It surprises me even more when people say that they like my blog, they enjoy reading it. I hardly believe it. I ask myself why, I tell myself that my writing isn’t really that great even though people say otherwise. Someone even asked me if I wanted to write for a magazine they were a part of. I told them that I probably don’t have enough time to devote to it (not entirely true because I could manage my time WAY better) but I mainly said no because I don’t think my writing is that great. How could I make it better? Probably proofread more. I don’t know how I feel about my style of writing. I don’t even know what my style of writing is. I’m not a writer. I’m just some random ass kid who writes for strange reasons.
So how do I even attempt to overcome my feelings of inadequacy? I don’t know. How have I found the motivation and will to do things in the past? It’s been a mixture of “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”, if you don’t try your life won’t get any better, and if you do try not making it can’t be that bad, also known as just saying fuck it. There is also a ton of trying not to obsess over what people think about me. I am still terrible at trying to talk to new people because I worry they won’t like me or find me interesting or I won’t think of anything interesting to say.
Right now in life I am always trying to fix my shit. I do things, most of the time I do them wrong, I learn from what I fucked up on, and then I try to fix it. Make it better. Maybe next time I will get it right. If I do something right there is always something I can do better. I think it’s good I haven’t ever felt completely satisfied with what I’ve done. I’ve felt good about things I’ve done but I know I can always improve on things.
So where does that leave me? Maybe I don’t suck as much as I think I do. Maybe I suck way more than I think I do. Will I ever fully know the answer? Can anybody ever know the entire answer to that question? No. You can’t. I think it’s more important to know that you tried your best and that even if you don’t make it you can still feel good about yourself. At the end of the day you really only have yourself to keep you company inside your head so you might as well love your own company.