He sat up straight in his chair. Alert. Watching. This was the first time he had done this. They probably wouldn't approve of what he was doing. He had just done things he couldn't believe. Seen things he couldn't believe. He just wanted to get away. From reality. But reality was right in front of him. It was dangerous going out. He knew it. He didn't want to believe it. Only a couple of inches. But there he was, sitting uncomfortably in his chair. Watching the lights go by. Deliberate with every action. In complete silence. Why was he lying to himself? Believing that he was disconnected from reality. That when he was there he was living in some kind of dream. He didn’t have to worry about real life. He just had to worry about what was around him. The immediate future, not the real future. He knew he didn't have long but for now he didn't need to worry. Or did he.
Your upbringing basically defines who you are and who you become. As I've gotten older things come into relevance and things fall out of it. It's strange how quickly you can care about something and then put it aside as something more important comes into play. It's been two months now. Not much has changed. A lot has changed. I haven't played League in two months. I don't think I really miss it. I don't have super strong urges to play. I spent so much time on it and now it isn't a big concern for me. One day I played it for hours and the next I couldn’t play, I just accepted it, as part of the future.
I’m also not going to PAX this year, I’m kind of shocked for myself actually. Before I couldn’t and now it’s right in front of me and I can and I still said no. If I told myself freshman year that I wouldn’t be going to PAX I think my freshman self would poorly try to convince current me to go. Current me would say no, would say no again, would still say no, and then walk away as I would try to convince myself. I don’t think I’ve grown that much in two years. I just think different parts of me come out at different times. When they come out I have time to develop them. Right now I am pretty dedicated to working, which basically means going to be on time. Getting to bed before 12 or 1 AM is actually pretty hard for me. I just want to stay up for some reason, I almost feel like I’m going to miss something.
10+ years ago I worried about the tree outside my house, I got hit in the head with acorns a lot. I worried about being able to play golf. Worried about getting the right notes in band. Worried about going camping. Right now I don’t need to worry about any of those things. I went back home recently and I noticed that two trees behind my house were gone. My dad said the neighbors asked if they could remove them and he said sure. There was a ton of snow on the ground but my backyard just felt empty. It was really strange. I expected everything to be the same but things change. I haven’t played golf in years. I haven’t touched my saxophone in even longer. They all used to be important to me. Maybe they still are. Relatively speaking.
He always tried to pack light, keep a low profile, keep as little as possible. He said it was easier to keep track of things, keep a limited presence, easier to move around, easier to move on. He was always a guest everywhere, even in his own home. Never wanting to put down roots. What did he want to do next? He sure as hell wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure about anything.
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