I don't really have much to say this year.

I lied.

Last year my post was a short, optimistic post. Fully based in what I was feeling at the time. Basically all my posts are. Short snippets of what I'm feeling at that moment. Almost none however are immediate streams of consciousness. I kind of sit and digest my thoughts for a while before I decide to spew them on here. It's kind of weird to look back and think about my own optimism before being catapulted (is there a word for being launched over 300 meters by a trebuchet?) into the feeling of absolute darkness.

I always ask myself why do I even try to bother with relationships. It's like when you tell yourself not to do something because you know how it's going to turn out but then your other self tells you to do it anyway. Other me is why I've tried to use Tinder again. However, regular me is still right as my one match never responded. It feels good, to care about someone, to have somebody care about you. Then they're gone and you're just curled up in bed or on the couch, watching Netflix and not chilling because you are violently eating ice cream, or salad (is it possible to violently eat salad?), and trying to forget what happened. Basically it's all fun and games till you lose another piece of your heart.

And now, here I am, not feeling a thing. Well, not anything terribly positive. Kind of just doing the motions. Wake up, read about what terrible things Trump has said or done, school, projects, homework, work, school, worry about Trump some more, projects, not enough sleep. It's crazy how it's possible to be unsatisfied while things are largely going A-OK. Maybe that just makes me a terrible person. Maybe that just makes me a lonely person.

And I think I just fill my life with a bunch of shit so that I almost can't think about the negatives. If I'm constantly stressing out about other things I can't stress about my relationships. Lying to myself, telling myself I'm too busy for them. Clearly this is the healthiest approach. If you try to tell me otherwise that's clearly fake news. I've tried to think about why I do the things I do. Am I just vindictive and want to prove myself or do I do things because I truly enjoy them? Is it possible that both answers are correct?

Anyway, this post might have too many memes. Happy Valentines day, may your relationships of all forms be long and happy. Or ┬┐happy? Singles Awareness day, may you find what you're looking for one day. Whether it's someone, or something, like your phone that you're talking into but for some reason can't find.