Death

I usually listen to music that doesn't have any words. Anamanaguchi, Tycho, C418. When I do listen to music with words I almost never pay attention to them, I'm bad at finding the deeper meaning, bad at stringing together words into coherent thoughts. But sometimes I do pick up on them. Because the Internet, Childish Gambino's second studio album, came out at the end of 2013, just over 3 years ago. I would say it's one of my favorite albums, I've listened to it a lot. Then I heard the last two lines of the last song again.

Life's the biggest troll but the joke is on us
Yeah, the joke's you showed up

We all know that every one of us is going to die. It's just a part of life, like gravity, the sun rising, and procrastination. I used to not think about it though. I think the first time I started to seriously think about it was when I was 15 or 16. It was late and I was washing dishes and my brain reminded itself that it was going to die. Everything I know about myself, my personality, my thoughts and feelings, would be gone, as I currently know it. Different religions have different thoughts about what happens after we die but I don't know if any give a good how to on transitioning to being dead. Do you close your eyes and wake up somewhere else or as someone else? Do you have any memories of your life? Really, I'm asking about what some might call a soul. Are we, as our thoughts and feelings separate from our bodies. Our body is a very complex machine, many automated systems working together to keep us going. We don't seem to have much control over when we beat our hearts or when we breathe, they are pretty much automatic. We do have some control over our thoughts and feelings. But what makes me, me?

I'm sure philosophers have thought about this topic for thousands of years. I've pretty much been thinking about this constantly for the last two weeks or so. Thousands of years > two weeks. Maybe I should read up on this.

Life's the biggest troll but the joke is on us
Yeah, the joke's you showed up

I was born almost 23 years ago. I showed up. Life is amazing and wonderful and full of adventure. But you're stuck here. There is no out besides death. If death is the most awful thing that can happen to you then why did you show up in the first place? Why did you show up now? Why didn't you show up before? Why didn't you show up later?

Before, when I thought about this I just immediately pushed the thought out of my mind. It was a terrifying thought. I didn't want to consider non-existence. This time I couldn't push it out of my head. It just sat there, burning a hole in my mind. Consuming all other thoughts. You will die. And I didn't know what to do. I still don't know what to do. I read that between 20-40 people start thinking about their death and are somewhat fearful of it. Between 40-60 people become even more fearful. Then 60+ we become OK with dying. I'm still in stage "existential crisis".

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm only 22 years old. I hopefully have 60 years ahead of me. Then I have to remind myself that I could get hit by a car longboarding to class or even walking to class. I don't really get a choice to live forever. And even if my body didn't deteriorate and I could live forever from a biological perspective I still couldn't live forever because of the sun burning out or the heat death of the universe. As I get older I'll lose loved ones. If I lived forever I would forever be pained by losing people I cared about (I get to live forever and nobody else does, what kind of shit is that?) Because of all of this I'm starting to realize that I have to be OK with dying. Unlike not getting a job or being rejected by somebody you can't just get over dying, you don't get better, (depending on what you believe), you don't get a new job, you don't start to like somebody else. And that thought is somewhat comforting, but also terrifying because I'm starting to become OK with it. It's comforting because compared to dying everything else might not be that bad, I can get over it, I'll live.

But I don't expect my thoughts at this moment will be my thoughts forever. Maybe in the future I'll find a feeling worse than my current feelings about my own death. Before, I pushed the thought of no thought, out of my head. Now I carry it with me where ever I go. Before, I basically lived like there was no end in sight. Now I care more about now, my family, my friends, the people I meet, the people I affect, the good I can do right the fuck now. Maybe being distant from my family is a bad idea. Maybe moving to Seattle and leaving everything and everyone I know is a bad idea. I don't know. And I'm still trying to figure out what's right with whatever time I have left.